Born to Fight
by BarbaraKaterina
Summary: Mainly a HP story. A story about all kinds of love, bravery, sacrifice...and also hate, bitterness, and death. Everything, in short, one can encounter when one devotes one's life to fighting against oppression. -.-.- The Black sisters, Marauders, Snape...
1. The Move

„We're moving. "

"Moving? But...where?"

"To Britain."

"...what?"

This dialog took place a very short time after my fifteenth birthday between me and my mother. As you can see, my mother was not exactly good at breaking things gently to people. There were many adjectives one could use to describe my mother, but 'gentle' was certainly not one of them. Flamboyant, perhaps. Passionate, sometimes. Gentle? No.

The dialog did not, of course, take place in English. It took me many years to learn the language well enough to pass for a native speaker at a cursory – well, not glance, but hearing. No, we were speaking Czech at the time. Prague was my home then.

"But, mum," I was confused, "why?"

She looked at me for a moment and said: "I think Dad would do much better job at explaining this."

I had to agree with her. The thing was, my dad would do better job than her at explaining anything – well, anything that wasn't art, but you can't explain art anyway, so I don't suppose that really counts. But I guess this was one of those occasions when his book wisdom took over and he decided a mother was always the best person to talk to a daughter. Duh.

So I knocked on the door of my parents' bedroom, which my father used as his study, too, and after his muffled "come in," I entered.

"Er...Dad?"

"Yes?" He raised his head from whatever book he was reading right now.

"Do you think you could perhaps explain why you and mum decided now was the time to move to Britain?"

He sighed. It was a very deep sigh. "Voldemort," he said then. Neither he nor my mum were people of many words (well, except for when mum was angry). That was one of the few things they had in common.

"I'd think that's rather a reason _not_ to move there right now...?"

"We want to fight him, naturally." Oh. Yes, that was the other thing they had in common. This insatiable need to fight the biggest menace of a wizard that was currently in store.

"Naturally," I repeated. "But what about the resistance here?"

Because it wasn't like I was living in my own little paradise. Just after the Grindewald war, which left severe marks on our country, The Others, Russian wizards who originally came because they helped people in the east of Czechoslovakia fight Grindewald's followers, took over. Which was bad enough in itself, but worse because their way of doing magic was different. They didn't use wands. After Grindewald and his obsession with the Elder Wand, that was something that gained easy support, and together with some of their other traits, they won many people for themselves, at least for a while. But there will always be some who are discontent. In this case, it was us. My family and tens of other wizards over the country. Keeping the remaining wands between us as a valuable treasure, teaching each other the old way of doing magic...that's the resistance I was born into.

My father sighed deeply again. "There isn't going to be any great change here, not unless something happens in Russia first. And the crew can go on holding the fort without us. In Britain, however...the country has never been really ruled over by enemy forces. I believe they will need our experiences. They have Dumbledore, of course," there was a respectable pause, which we always made after his name to imply how much we owed him for defeating Grindewald (even though my mum liked to say that he was British, after all, so it was only right they should clean up after themselves), "but not even he has experiences with leading organized resistance. So, do you see my point?"

That was perhaps the thing I hated most about dad. That when he made an argument, it was impossible not to see his point. Which was damn irritating when you didn't_ want_ to see it. Like me at the moment.

I didn't want to move. I had friends in the resistance, and colleagues, their cause was my cause...I didn't know anything about Britain. And yet...I saw my father's point.

And I wasn't the only one, apparently. Basically the entire Czech resistance spent the following months by plotting a way to get us abroad. The borders were magically protected on all levels of the Twilight,* but using the western magic, they managed to find a way.

As for me, I spent the year by frenetically studying English – I did have soma basics, but I was far from being able to take classes in the language. And my work in the resistance continued, of course, so all in all, I didn't have much time left to be sullen about us moving.

My parents had been a bit unsure about whether they still remembered how to Apparate properly, since it was impossible in Other countries, but fortunately, it's not a thing you forget easily. So once we crossed the borders to Western Germany, going to Britain was easy enough. I can't really say that I enjoyed this new method of travel – a heretical thought even occurred, that The Others might have had something there with banning it – but the sightseeing was nice. Because you see, after so much time, Dad had to pick places he remembered really well, and those were usually some sort of monuments. So we travelled in Twilight, appearing here before the Cologne cathedral, there under the Eiffel Tower...and finally we reached the moors which, apparently, were our goal. I'll tell you one thing: it looked pretty gloomy to me. It was a large, open space, stretching from horizon to horizon, and we were looking in all directions, trying to figure out where was Dumbledore going to appear, since he promised to meet us in person. He Apparated about twenty meters away from us. I must say I was rather startled. With Apparating impossible and Portkeys being difficult to create without the government knowing, we mostly travelled the Muggle way at home, or on broomsticks.

Dumbledore approached us and bowed his head respectfully. He turned to my father: "Mr. Brabenec, I presume?" My father nodded. "I'm Albus Dumbledore. I know this is very impolite, but safety demands it – could I please see your Resistance Mark?"

My father raised his eyebrow. "I see you've read up on us, Mr. Dumbledore, but I'm afraid you lack one crucial information. It was unavailable to you, of course, since we never share any details about our Mark. But, you see, only the people who have the Mark, too, can see it."

It has always been very strange for me to imagine that some people out there couldn't see the lion tattooed over half of my face. Now I was in a country where no one except for my parents could.

"Oh," Dumbledore paused. "Well, at the very least, you can tell me what the place you originally suggested for our meeting was, I believe."

"Certainly. I have been so bold as to suggest we called on you in your own home."

"Indeed," Dumbledore seemed to be deep in thought. "Well, I will have to trust you, I dare say. I apologise for all this, but you know how it is."

"So I do. And precisely because of that, I'd like to ask you to call your phoenix."

Dumbledore smiled. "That is a very good one, Mr. Brabenec, if I may say so. Yes, I will call Fawkes presently." And apparently he did, because we all stood motionless for some time and then the bird appeared. It was a magnificent thing – I had never seen one before, and I was amazed. My father nodded his head, and smiled. Dumbledore returned his smile and outstretched his hand: "Call me Albus, please."

"Joseph," my father replied, shaking his hand, and then he turned to my mother. "This is my wife, Hannah," Dumbledore kissed her hand, "and this is my daughter." He repeated the same process with me. It made me nervous. His eyes stayed at me and he addressed me seriously: "You are the person with whom I want to talk the most right now. I need you to agree to one thing. I want to keep Voldemort in the dark about you three arriving as long as possible. He doesn't need to know we have an experienced help from Grindewald and Other dissent. But you are going to Hogwarts, and if you just went there under your real name, and your real nationality, he'd hear about it, and he'd immediately know something was off – he knows well enough that people can't just leave countries under the rule of The Others. We don't know how tight the ties between him and The Others are, but we are afraid there are some, so your name would be an immediate give-away. Therefore, I need you to accept a false identity we've created for you. I understand you know some German?"

"Yes, I do, I've been studying it for two years," I replied, slightly nervous. Would I be able to handle this? I'd never been really undercover before – I'd been known to be a resistance member by mostly everyone around me.

"Very good. Your new name will be Belinda Schwartz from Hamburg, Western Germany – we want as little connection with any Other country as possible. You will say that you have been sent to Hogwarts for a better education and that your parents are still living in your homeland. For the summer holidays next year, you will pretend that you go back to Germany. Instead, you will be in hiding. You will be assigned a German tutor to be more persuasive in the matter of your German origin. After you graduate, you may choose to do whatever you wish. Is this acceptable for you?"

I looked at my parents. It wasn't going to be a walk in the park, that was certain. But I was willing to do it, naturally. They both nodded their approval. "Yes," I replied simply.

"Very good," Dumbledore repeated, and turned back to my father. "Now I can explain why I couldn't have allowed you to meet me at my house just like that. I live at Hogwarts, and when I'm not there, I'm at the headquarters of the Order. This is the lodging I have planned for you, too, unless you object, of course?"

"My dear Albus, we could hardly object, could we? We came here as beggars."

"You came here as volunteers to help us, and as such, you are our guests. I was merely asking whether you don't mind living in the same place where the Order would be meeting. I think it would be good if somebody was staying there, but if you don't want it that way, I can arrange something else."

My parents looked at each other for a moment. "No, I think that would be very convenient," my father said in the end.

"Excellent. So, if you could all just hold on to my arms..." And he Apparated us away. 

My parents decided to become full-time Order members. Their experiences were valuable and their help would be needed, and Dumbledore had enough money to be able to keep them at his expenses. They would have never suggested this, of course – their original plan had been to stay at the lodging Dumbledore would supply just until they could find a job and later a flat of their own – but when Dumbledore mentioned the need for some members like that, and his complete willingness to support such people, they quickly changed their plans.

To my great irritation, they forbid me to join the Order, explaining (well, my father explained – my mother merely shouted "no" and "out of the question" repeatedly) that this was far more dangerous than the Czech dissent and that they didn't want me to die. And the pity was that while according to the British magical law I would be an adult in the summer of 77, according to the Czech – and German, by the way – law I had to wait another additional year. So instead of doing some actual work, I studied English and German, trained Western magic, prepared for my first British exams, the OWLs, which I passed quite successfully, and I worried about my parents, who, of course, got to be in the front lines right from the start. 

*For those of you who haven't read Night Watch: Twilight, as per Lukyanenko's definitions, is sort of parallel dimension which has 7 layers and which you can enter by entering your own shadow. Time moves slower there, and one can't stay there long, since it drains one's power. Each layer is more difficult to enter than the previous one.


	2. The Journey

Benjy Fenwick caught my wand and said: "That will be enough, I think. You still have to pack, don't you?"

I got up, breathing heavily, and reached for my wand. "Yeah," I answered. "But I sort of hoped I could beat you at least once before leaving for Hogwarts."

He laughed. "My dear girl, that wouldn't bode very well for the Order if any newbie like you could beat me, would it?"

"I'm sorry, but I think the 'unbeatable fighter' position has already been taken by Mad-Eye. And besides, if I was allowed to use Twilight, you'd just see."

He was still smiling. "Well, that is what Mad-Eye is for. He'd beat the shit out of you, Twilight or no Twilight."

I grumbled. He was right, and I resented it. Not that I imagined I'd be the best fighter of the entire Order straight away, but..."Would it really be that much to ask to defeat at least one Order member, once, after two months of training?"

"If it makes you feel better, I'm sure you could beat some of the members if you tried really hard – but we're not sending those to train you. They are not fighters. Me, Dorcas, Mad-Eye, ...the Prewett brothers, which are away at the moment...we're the best fighters the Order has. The day you beat us, well, either we're getting old, or you got really good."

I finally smiled back at him, he handed me my wand and I went to pack my trunk.

I was more than a bit apprehensive about the first of September. The two months at Headquarters hadn't been bad. I didn't see much of my parents, but there was always something going on in the house, and the training was keeping me busy. Plus every afternoon, Marlene came with her German tutoring. I really thought she was taking it a bit too far. I just needed a bunch of Brits to believe I was German, for Merlin's sake, so why torture me with Goethe? But she was insistent. "Many pure-blood wizards," she said, "have a good knowledge of my language and could see through you unless you are perfect."

"But surely not every German speaks the language in such an elite form!"

"True," she acquiesced, "but every German that sends his child abroad for a better education does. Now go again: Wer reitet so spät durch Nacht und Wind?"

It was fascinating how perfectly she fitted every stereotype about high-class German I've ever come across. We lived right next to them, so we had plenty in store, and she was just the impersonation of the cold Frau. I watched her, with her gold hair and blue eyes, conversing in her Hochdeutsch, and wondered at the irony of it all. It seemed that in exile in Britain, I was finally able to return to what my ancestors used to do all the time – have boring conversations with German high society.

As irritating as Marlene was sometimes, though, I would pick her over going to Hogwarts any time. Unfortunately, no one asked me, so I left the empty Headquarters on the first September morning and departed for the station. I got to Kings Cross half an hour earlier for fear of missing the train. I had to go on my own, since my parents weren't supposed to show their faces anywhere public, and certainly not in any connection to me, but I had a parchment with instructions how to get to the platform from Minerva McGonnagal. I managed to get through without any complications. Almost nobody was there; it was apparently too early. So I just found a nice compartment and I made myself comfortable. From what I had heard, it was going to be a long journey.

I watched as the platform was getting more and more crowded. It was a real jungle out there, all the people talking and calling each other, owls hooting...I was quite happy to sit inside already. The train started to pull out of the station as the last "Goodbyes" were shouted by parents and children. I leaned against window. I really wasn't looking forward to this school year. A lovely tradition of boarding schools ensured that I had no chance of seeing anyone except from my fellow students during the year. And I had enough experiences with my former Czech schoolmates to know that my peers weren't exactly the people I wanted to hang out with. Somehow I doubted that the average intelligence of the English population would be any better. And besides, it wasn't only about the age. They might have had a Dark wizard in the making in Britain, but the students were largely unaffected by this then. What could I, with my dissent experiences, have in common with people whose biggest worry was to get that cute guy from a year above?

Some younger students opened the door of my compartment and asked if they could sit down. I let them in and they started to talk, ignoring me completely, with me returning the favor. I seriously feared that I would go mad during this term. No social contacts! I never really befriended with my classmates – not as if I didn't talk to them at all, but they were just all so silly and naive that I never had any particular interest in them. I always made friends among the elder people. I had no idea what was I going to do.

Out of sheer boredom, I took out a German book and started to read. The cover. I had to think about the cover. Plus, I needed to improve my German, just in case. Not that I was listening to Marlene's advices or anything.

When the train arrived to its end station, I got out and I heard and saw Hagrid immediately. "Come ´ere, Belinda, over ´ere!" He cried, as if I was blind. The Order members were instructed to call me Belinda during the summer, so that I could get used to it – and them, too, since I suppose Hagrid would be quite capable of calling me by my real name just out of the joy of seeing me again.

"Do I really have to go with them, Hagrid?" I asked again. It was rather humiliating.

"Sure ya do."

"And what if I sink the boat?" I raised my eyebrow quizzically. "They're made for the first years, not for me." Molly Weasley told me how I would get to the castle and be Sorted and all that, but I still wasn't happy about it. All the first years watched me suspiciously, and frankly, I didn't blame them.

"It's all fixed, you're gonna sit there wit´ only two of them, so it's gonna be alrigh´."

Irony, Hagrid. It's called irony. I sighed, resigned, and prepared for the way. Honestly. I liked the half-giant, but he wasn't exactly the brightest phoenix out there.

Once we got to the Great Hall at school – a rather impressive room in a rather impressive building, I have to admit - every single look in there was on me. It was not very surprising, seeing that I was five years older than any of my companions. I wasn't usually uncomfortable with stares, but right then I wasn't exactly bathing in the spotlight. I reckoned it was because of that stupid school uniform. Back in Czechoslovakia, things were pretty bad regarding freedom, but we still could wear whatever we wanted to, even to school. Well, almost whatever...but definitely, it was freer than this. Plus, due to the fact that I had been known as a resistance child, I could have worn what I wanted, there was no chance of irritating the teachers more. Actually, I was known as quite an extraordinarily-dressed person...But these times ended with a move to Britain. I supposed that the sooner I got used to it, the better for me. A free country, my ass. They lock you up in a school with several hundreds idiots, force you to wear idiotic black robes looking like something our elementary school teacher might choose...for a funeral...and then expect you to be thrilled by the freedom. Okay, so maybe I was being bitter. Just a little bit.

Sorting. I was dying of boredom there, watching the icle firsties getting scared out of their wits by a talking hat. My turn came after Scamander, Anne was put into Ravenclaw. I walked to the Sorting Hat and put it on my head.

"_So what do we have here...ahh, well, that's definitely not Hufflepuff, I can see that..."_

"You're pretty right, that's not, I can say that myself." I thought, amused.

"_You are really clever, and very ambitious in some ways, too...but I can see one really dominant trait pretty clearly in there...plus there's this great determination in you to fight the war with Evil for all costs...so it's..._

...GRYFFINDOR!"

I walked to the cheering table and sat down among the first years. Frankly, I was very surprised. From what Molly told me, I gathered Gryffindor was the sort of House where the goody-goody two-shoes went – that was, unless they were completely dumb, in which case, they went to Hufflepuff. I rather thought I might have been bitchy enough for Slytherin. But I guess a firm determination to annihilate the best student that House ever produced doesn't help in that respect. And I certainly couldn't see myself in Ravenclaw – as much as I did agree with the Hat that I was clever enough, I didn't think the point of my life was to be buried in books, so I supposed that excluded the House. So I imagine Gryffindor was sort of a "what-do-we-have-left" option. Well, whatever. I would survive. Not that it mattered, really – I expected the same amount of idiots to be roughly everywhere (except that Hufflepuff might be a bit worse off, from what I heard).

I watched as the Sorting concluded and listened to Dumbledore's speech – he was a born diplomat, I would have probably been much more direct if I were him. I couldn't imagine how he dealt with all the known Death Eaters' children being at school, and him not being able to do anything about it.

After the feast, when I thought that I couldn't eat any more and that I should go to bed and unpack and all that, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around and there were four boys, standing and staring at me. One of them, the one was was probably generally considered most handsome of the group, shot me a questioning look. "Who are you?" he asked rudely.

I raised my eyebrows. "What manners!" I commented. "Who are _you_, to assault me in such a way?"

He smirked. I could say that he was used to girls falling for him just because this one smirk. Too bad he wasn't my type. Yes, he was handsome; he had that "classical beauty"...but I personally was never much for the classical good-lookers. Especially not for the rude ones.

"So, I'm Sirius Black. This," he gestured to the boy on his left, with glasses and messy black hair, "is James Potter. Behind me is Remus Lupin, and next to him, that's Peter Pettigrew. Remember these names well, you're going to heard them often. Now, again, _who_ are you?"

"Nice to meet you, boys," I said, just a bit condescendingly. "My name is Belinda Schwarz."

"What year are you in?"

"The sixth."

"The same as us!" exclaimed Peter, obviously delighted. The same couldn't be said of me. "So, where are you transferred from?"

I told them the entire story about my parents wanting the best education for me and so on. The one called Remus seemed to be really interested in what was life like in Germany, so I was really thankful to Marlene for her detailed information. While I explained everything, they led me to the Gryffindor tower and showed me where my dormitory was.

"What NEWT classes are you going to take?" Remus asked after exhausting the topic of foreign lifestyle. I was surprise to see the other three be mostly taciturn – I particularly expected Sirius, the one who initiated the introduction, to talk more, but he didn't seem to have much to add to the topic of life in Germany.

"Well," I answered Remus, "Charms, they're always useful, Transfiguration, I am fascinated with it, Defense Against the Dark Arts, of course, it's necessary nowadays, Arithmancy, and History of Magic."

"History of Magic?" exclaimed Sirius. "You're positively mad!"

"Why should I be?" I asked, rather offended. I was fascinated with history. It was the only bookish subject I had any sympathies for. Especially political and military history were my favourites.

"Well," said Remus, apparently amused. "I like history very much, but even I have to admit that taking these classes is a waste of time. Plus, it's terribly boring. Trust me, the books can serve you better. Don't you want to change your plan? You could take Potions or Herbology instead."

"No, thanks, I don't like this kind of 'get you hands dirty' subjects. But I was considering Divination..."

"No!" roared all four boys at once.

"Is it, too, that bad?"

James rolled his eyes. "That old bat is seriously mad, she lost it long time ago...and she is also probably centuries old."

"See, you could still try the Muggle-studies, they aren't that bad..." Remus offered.

"I don't actually think that I need Muggle-studies," I said absent-mindedly, worrying about wasting my time in a class. The next second, I realized what I'd done.

"Why, are you Muggle-born? But you told us that your parents are magical!" James reminded me aggressively.

"Yes, they are." I replied and in my head, I swore. "It's just that in Germany, we live much more...together. Not as if Muggles knew anything, it's just that we are more in contact with them than you in Britain. And now, if you'd excuse me, I am really tired and I want to go sleep. Goodnight."

I went up to my dormitory and I fervently hoped that I hadn't just done something terribly wrong.


	3. The First Day

When I retreated to my dormitory, I hoped I would be alone, but I had no such luck. My dorm mates were apparently all up and waiting for me, full of curiosity. One of them got up when I entered, and smiled at me. I refrained from rolling my eyes. I could see her thoughts clearly: she is new, I have to be kind to her. Oh my. She seemed like such a _nice person_. If I was to guess one thing about this smiling redhead, it would be that she was a good daddy's girl. Or she was trying hard to be, anyway.

She was stretching out her hand. "Hello! My name is Lily Evans. And you are?"

"Belinda Schwarz. Nice to meet you."

She shook my hand, let it go and looked around the room, pointing at the girls in it. "This is Mary," the girl on the bed closest to the door waved at me, "Lisa," a nod from a black-haired girl next to her, "Karen," another nod, "Lucrezia, Susan, and Gandhini." The Indian girl who was mentioned last smiled, and Lily turned back to me.

"So, where are you from?"

And so the fake story goes again...I went to sit on the free bed while explaining, and started to unpack my trunk.

"Do you already know what NEWT classes are you going to take?" Lily asked,

so I got to repeat this, too. "...and I though I'd take history, but the boys persuaded me otherwise." I ended.

"Boys? Which boys?" she asked curiously.

"Well, Sirius and his friends."

The smile, which had been there up till that moment, disappeared instantly. Susan, on the contrary, giggled, seemingly for no reason. Lily curled her lip. "Oh, so you've met them?"

"Yes, what's wrong with them?" I asked, quite curious. Not that they seemed to be my favorite kind of people in the world, but they must have done something really dreadful to anger this smiling creature.

"Well, not much, it's just that they're unbelievably arrogant."

I raised my eyebrows. I sincerely doubted it was just this. "I can see that...but, well, that's not se exceptional, is it?" With these words, I proceeded to close my bed hangings around me.

"No, I suppose it is not." She replied and closed hers.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt really good. It was very early and all my dormmates were still sleeping. I tiptoed to the bathroom and smiled at my reflection in the mirror, causing the lion on my face look like he was about to take a step, one of its legs raised above the other. From this perspective, it was oddly appropriate to be sorted into Gryffindor, even though its lion, contrary to the Czech one, had only one tail. I surveyed the rest of my person. When I wasn't wearing a school uniform – oh, how I despised that thing already! – I was pretty, almost beautiful. I would have to work on the uniform a bit, I decided. We'd never had much money, so I had been used to sewing my own clothes back home. I knew any noticeable adjustments would earn me a punishment, but I trusted myself to be able to do some small improvements which wouldn't be obvious, but would still help the overall appearance. I looked back to the mirror. I used to sleep naked at home, but that wouldn't probably please the other girls very much, so I brought a couple of old T-shirts with me for the purpose. It wasn't the sexiest night clothes ever, but after all, there were only girls in my dormitory, so it didn't really matter. I brushed my teeth and hair and silently changed to the damned uniform. After that I headed for breakfast.

It took me a while to get down to the Great Hall, but still, when I arrived, there was next to nobody there. I took my seat and waited for breakfast to appear. I knew I would be getting my timetable that day, and I wondered if it was still possible to cut out the History classes. When I was halfway through my eggs and bacon (there were some upsides to Britain after all!), Sirius and his friends appeared in the Hall and they sat down right next to me.

"You see, Belinda, I just realized that your surname means the same thing as mine..." Sirius commented. What a smart boy, I thought. Unfortunately for him, with saying this, he put his hand around my shoulders. "Let go," I said, trying to keep the tone polite, at least. When he didn't move, I smacked his hand away. He smirked and tried again. I shot him a nasty look. "Stop it," I said sharply.

"Oh, come on, don't be so cold," he said, and this time, his hand headed for my waist. Before it reached its target, however, I had a wand pointed at him. I didn't say anything, I just looked at him. "You wouldn't," he said, but his hand didn't move. "Try me," I replied. He was considering me. James Potter and the one called Peter were watching with interest, while Remus was trying to pretend he wasn't there. Sirius seemed to decide that since he had audience, he couldn't fail them, and his hand moved in my direction. "_Rictusempra_," I stated almost lazily, wondering whether his friends would try to revenge him. Fortunately, it appeared that they didn't fight with girls, since James merely took out his wand an ended the tickling. Sirius got up from his position on the floor where he had been curled up, laughing, and turned to me. "Okay, good one," he smiled and sat back next to me. I raised my eyebrows at him. I had no intentions of hurting him, but it did not mean I thought he was cute.

"Do you find it quite normal," I asked him, "that a girl needs to take out her wand to prevent you from touching her?"

"Oh, come on, it was only a little touch, it wouldn't have killed you, you know! You could just give me a smile!"

"Fick dich," I muttered under my breath, actually remembering with fondness that particular lesson with Marlene. She agreed with me that to be really convincing, the right kind of insults in German was the main thing I needed. Watching her sit there with her prim and proper attitude and dictate the particular phrases and their explanations had been one of the funniest moments of my life – but practicing the use afterwards was even better.

Perhaps Sirius would have offered an answer, but at that moment, Minerva McGonnagal got to me in her task of handing out timetables.

"So, what classes do you want to take, Miss Schwartz?" She asked.

"I'd like Defense, Transfiguration, Charms and Arithmancy. Is that possible?"

She checked my OWL results. "Yes, it shouldn't be a problem," and she handed me my timetable, moving on to the boys. I shot it a quick glance. This day's first class was Arithmancy – probably my least favorites out of all the subjects I'd picked, and so not exactly what I wanted to start with, but I would survive.

As I was one of the first people to arrive in the Great Hall, it would make sense that I'd be among the first in the Arithmancy classroom. However, finding one's way around the castle was far from easy. Fortunately, there were helpful portraits all around, so while I wasn't precisely early, I wasn't late either. I sat at one of the free desks in the back rows, took out my parchment and quill and waited. Just before the lesson was to start, Remus Lupin entered the room and, after looking around, went to the seat next to me. "May I?" He asked.

I smiled and nodded. "I hope Sirius didn't take my rebuke in the Hall too personally," I started a conversation.

"Well," Remus smiled, "he was rather surprised, but I dare say he needs experiences like this from time to time..."

"I'm glad you can see it that way, although I guess he wouldn't appreciate it as much."

Remus shrugged. "He can't take criticism, and there are few people willing to offer it – I myself am guilty of never telling him off when I should. So I maliciously enjoy someone else doing so."

We didn't get any further at that moment, because the teacher entered. He looked so old and frail I wondered whether he was going to last till the end of class. "What's his name?" I asked Remus.

"Peasegood," he whispered back, "and they say he's older than Dumbledore."

"Yes, he looks it," I agreed.

His mental ability, however, didn't seem to be impaired by the age, and at the end of the lesson, I exited the classroom with a pretty gloomy opinion of my Arithmancy skills.

"You do take Charms, right?" Remus asked and I nodded. "This way," he pointed and I followed him.

"How long did it take you to learn to find your way around this place?" I asked, curious.

"Oh, it gets better after the first month or so, trust me. And since you have only five classes, it will take even less time, since you need to know the way to fewer rooms."

"Four." I said.

"Sorry?"

"I take four classes. I managed to get out of History this morning."

"You should really thank Merlin for that. Binns is unbelievable."

"Well I did trust your word, so I hope I'm not missing anything."

"You aren't. Get a History book from the library and read instead of the History classes, you'll do much better," he paused. "What is it you're interested in the most? In history, I mean?"

"Well, I like wars. Reading about them, that is. Not as much the causes and the political background, but the actual stuff, you know..."

We were approaching the Charms classroom now, and the other three boys were waiting there for Remus. I sighed inwardly. He proved to be quite a nice fellow when his friends weren't around, but unfortunately, this pleasure lasted very shortly.

"Hey, Belinda!" called Sirius.

"Yes?" I turned to him, wary. I wouldn't put it past him to try and revenge himself on me for the morning episode. I must have hurt his ego.

"I wondered why you were so averse to my touch this morning. Are you lesbian, or just frigid?"

I stared at him. Was he for real? "Neither," I answered then, simply.

"Then prove it!" He was smirking.

I turned to him, slowly, the tip of my wand to my lip, pretending to be thinking. "Well," I said, "I could ask some of my old lovers to write to you and describe the experience, but I don't really think any of them would want to talk to such a _wichser_, so...no."

He smiled contemptuously. "Don't play all experienced, you're as old as we all are, not old enough to have had that many boyfriends."

A small, sardonic smile appeared on my lips, too. "Who said boyfriends? I was talking about lovers."

He looked at me in utter disbelief. Actually, the entire class looked at me in disbelief, since I hadn't bothered to lower my voice and they were listening..

"And you are not even ashamed to admit it?" asked James Potter finally, with so much disdain in his voice I immediately figured he must be a pure-blood. Only the best of families teach their children _this_.

I shot him a hard look. "And why EXACTLY should I be ashamed of it?"

"Some people would say that "whore" is a word that fully explains the point," said Sirius sarcastically.

I raised my eyebrow. "Is it? How very interesting. When I'm interested in your middle-class morals," I was a pure-blood too, I could do hidden insults as well as anyone else – and better than Black, apparently, since calling somebody a whore is rather far from being hidden. I wondered what _his_ parentage was. "I'll let you know and you might give me a lecture on this exciting topic. And now, be please so kind and shut the fuck up." He did so, to my big pleasure. I sat alone in Charms, but I didn't really care.

First thing after lunch, we had Defense Against the Dark Arts, and it made me completely forget the incident from Charms. I sat in the back row again before the class, entertaining myself by trying to find a shadow sharp enough for me to enter the twilight. I could see why this kind of magic never gained popularity in Britain. With the weather, there was hardly anything to work with during the day.

I stopped when I heard the teacher enter, and I turned to him. Then, I was tempted to whistle. There stood a man who was, by posture, appearance and by the look in his eyes, the epitome of 'attractive' to me. He sat on his desk with a leisurely elegance, pierced us with his intense stare for a while, and then he started the class. "Welcome," he said, "to Defense. I'm Anthony Causens, and I will be your teacher. As I'm sure you all know, in these times, Defense is something we are all very likely to need, so paying close attention is in your own interest." His voice was deep and melodic, and I couldn't take my eyes off him.

"We will be mostly doing curses and dueling this year," he continued. "For that, I'll need a volunteer."

Slowly and deliberately, I raised my hand. I didn't want to seem too eager, but I did want to be picked. "Yes," he said, "Miss..."

"Schwartz. Belinda Schwartz...sir."

"Very well. Come here to the front."

I did my best to get up elegantly and walk as seductively as I could without looking ridiculous.

"Now," he turned to the class, "we will be starting with practicing the things you should already know. Miss Schwartz, I'll attack you – nothing lethal, don't worry – and you just defend yourself in any way you know – any magical way, that is," he clarified, smirking. "I would like to keep my...private parts in good working order."

The classes laughed, but I was mirthless. "Perhaps you should choose someone else for this particular task," I said, dismayed.

He raised his eyebrow. "What, were you hoping for a chance to physically attack me? Don't worry, Miss Schwartz, if you feel you don't know enough. At least I'll be able to point out your mistakes to others," he smirked.

I sighed. What was I supposed to do? Yes, I had some dueling practice over the summer – and a bit even before, at home – but I was still much more confident in working with the twilight. I knew I could perform passably, but I wanted to impress him. But of course, the secrecy was my top priority. I sighed again. He attacked.

I ducked, shot an Expelliarmus at him, which be blocked easily, so I shot Protego against his next spell, whatever it was, and followed it immediately with a Petrificus Totalus, which he dodged, casting an excelsiosempra on me. It caught my leg, making me trip and fall forward, and up to the sky. _Bastard_, I thought. I couldn't very well Accio myself back, so I supported the spell with my own, flying to the ceiling and shooting a stupefy at him. He blocked it . Too soon...I realized what he was going. "Legilimency!" I accused him. "Is that allowed in this duel?" He just smirked and sent a non-verbal at me. As I blocked it, I wondered what it was about. Surely the students wouldn't learn anything if he used non-verbals...But since he sent another one my way, I figured he was serious about it. Oh well. I could play dirty too. He didn't _need _to know I was using twilight...I couldn't very well enter it, not with his eyes right on me, so I just reached in it, my wand pointed at him to distract him, and I played with the temperature around his body for a bit. He started to be hot...then hotter...then it was getting really uncomfortable...and he didn't know how to stop it. He Accioed me to him and as I landed swiftly on my feet, he turned his back to the class for a moment and whispered to me, barely audible: "Stop it and I'll call it even." Of course, I didn't have to, strictly speaking. But I had no interest in an open conflict. I could probably win if I used the twilight, but that would mean too many questions. So I stopped, and he shook my hand in front of the entire class. "Belinda, you really do have talents, do not waste it," he said. Not a blink gave away that he had no idea what he was dealing with. "Now for the rest of the class, pair up..." As they busied themselves, he turned to me. "That was a pretty strong one. I could have probably made you stop, but it would have taken me time, and I didn't want to keep them waiting." So he thought I was using some particular non-verbal. Good. "It seems you're the odd one out today," he continued. "Join whatever pair you wish to."

I went to Remus and Peter, mostly observing, since I didn't really believe my dueling with them could teach me anything much. I was livid with myself. 'The secrecy was my top priority,' I mocked myself. How could I do something that stupid? Of course, there probably wasn't a person in Hogwarts who could have recognized what I did, but still. One never knew. And if somebody did actually recognize what I was doing, it would have blown the entire cover the Order constructed for me so carefully. The chance was almost infinitely small, but it was there, and I took it, just because I wanted to impress a stupid teacher. I had to be careful around this Anthony Causens. I could never allow such a slip again. Men of his kind were one of my weaknesses – they made my vanity do many stupid things. But I should have been aware of the danger. I promised myself never to display my skills publically again.

The rest of the day passed quite quickly and peacefully, but once again, when I entered my dormitory, Lily Evans was waiting for me. This time, though, she was alone in the dormitory.

She didn't beat around the bush. "What you said at Charms...was it true?"

"Sure. Why would I lie?" I answered, throwing my bag on the bed and taking off the robes.

She smiled sympathetically. "I'm so sorry."

"What?" I whipped around, staring at her.

"I'm sure you must have been used by these men, you are only sixteen...I suppose that in Germany, the protection against such things isn't really good...maybe you didn't have much money..."

I blinked. Was she really implying what I thought she was implying? "You are joking, right?" This really had to be a dream…how could anyone say such a thing?

"No, I am not..." The sympatehtic smile was still there.

"OK, so just a few things." I struggled to stay more or less calm. Contrary to Sirius and James this morning, she meant well, so I didn't want to be downright rude. "No, I was not misused. I slept with them of my own free will. I don't want your pity. There might be people out there who need it, but not me. I am quite happy with my life as it is, thank you. Good night."

Really, who does this girl think she is?


	4. Events and Incidents

My first three weeks at Hogwarts passed unexpectedly quickly, I realized as I woke up on certain Sunday morning. I'd spend them by small, pleasant talks to Remus, whom I grew to like quite a lot, and, very surprisingly for me, studying. It was just the fact that there was nothing else to do...Lupin spend most of the time with his friends, with whom I wanted to have nothing in common – and these feelings were apparently mutual, after my so-called confession at the first Charms class.

I remember a talk with Remus after I'd been at school for about a week. Sirius and James were out practicing Quidditch, and Peter went with them to admire them. Remus stayed behind for once, so we had an opportunity to talk. But the fact that we could only talk when they weren't there was obviously troubling him, for he asked: "Why do you hate the boys so much?"

"I don't hate them, Remus. I just dislike them, and prefer avoiding them."

"Well then, this. Why?"

"I have already told you, because they're arrogant and childish prats. Because their favourite past time is making fun of people, and preferably of weaker people then themselves, in some aspects at least. They're bullies painted noble. All the Gryffindors pretend they take their jokes in good humour, but many don't, and the boys should know that. And I don't even mention the Slytherins. What I really wonder is why do you stick with them so much."

"They're not so bad..." he said apologetically, but I could see he didn't really believe it himself.

I was not going to budge. "Yes, they are, and you know it just as well as I do. I can see your face every time one of them performs some nice hex on a Slytherin. But you chose your company, it's none of my business," I paused. "Let's talk about something else." I was not in the mood for arguing.

The rest of my schoolmates was exactly as silly and uninteresting as I predicted. I didn't know what it was about Remus, that he was much more mature...he was the only one of my peers with which I was able to talk for a longer period of time. The only I had ever met to that date.

Back to the aforementioned morning: I got up, took a shower and descended to the Great Hall. As usual, I was one of the first students down there. When I had almost finished my breakfast, the object of my previous musings came in. I stopped at mid-move at the sight of him. He looked terrible. He had big black bags under his eyes and seemed to be very tired.

"Remus! Oh my God, you look terrible. Are you ill?"

"It's just cold, it's going to be all right."

"Are you sure? You look really worn. I don't want to interfere, but perhaps you should go and see Madame Pomfrey."

"No, it's okay, really."

I shrugged. It was his problem. "As you wish. But when you die of stubbornness, I demand the right to say 'told you so'."

"You have it." Said Remus and faked a weak smile as I left.

Later that day, I sat in the Gryffindor Common room and I was trying to concentrate on my Defence homework, but it was simply impossible. Instead, I was thinking about the teacher. He was just as brilliant and attractive as I thought he would be when I'd first met him. He seemed to know literally everything about his subject, and presented the facts with such grace, insight and lightness – especially the last adjective was exceptional in the sphere – it was really remarkable. I could clearly feel my growing fascination with him, although I had to admit that he was, undoubtedly, an arrogant jerk. His cocky smirks bore clear testimony to that. But that's just the thing about hormones and attraction...you can't choose who you are drawn to. And in my case, when hormones came to play, it was always an arrogant git.

Not that I was that special in that particular respect, it was rather a common occurrence. Perhaps that was what I hated most about it – how I always found myself to be one of a host of fan girls. Even here at Hogwarts – from what Remus told me, I figured Causens was a new teacher, and already I could see the girls from my class looking at him with that dreamy look in their eyes, sitting in the first row, their eyes fixed on him non-blinkingly. I'd wondered many times already whether they really thought this was the way to make him interested. And I'd heard my dorm mates complain that had they known Causens was teaching it, they would have taken Defense on the NEWT level. Apart from me and Lily, there was only one other Gryffindor girl in the class, and that was Elen Sloper, who was half boy anyway. She, at least, didn't seem to be interested in Causens in the slightest. Well, neither was Lily, but I didn't expect _her_ to be. She was such a motherly type, I fully expected her to date some poor, bullied boy...maybe she could try Peter Pettigrew. I he hadn't had the luck to be associated with Sirius and crew just by the chance of being on of the four Gryffindor boys in the year, he would have been the perfect material.

Merlin – I was astonished to realize I was actually contemplating Lily's love life. Hogwarts really was boring, if I sank that low. And to think I started with Cousens...I returned to my previous occupation, which was inventing plans to get him to talk to me more – for starters, that is. One never got rid of the hormonal stuff unless one gave in to it. That was the easiest way. What I never got was the need some people had to call this love. Not that I didn't believe in love – I just though that should look rather different. My parents, I believed, loved in other very deeply, and their relationship had nothing to do with my little hormonal affaires back home.

I was disturbed from thinking when I heard loud shouting. I raised my head and saw Lily Evans bellowing at James Potter. Watching the scene for a while, I smiled for myself, for I could read two interesting things from it. Firstly, that Lily Evans belongs to the second group of Oh-so-nicers. The first group is formed by people who are so warm and kind by nature and there is no way to help them. But the second group are just normal people who have been raised in oh-so-nice atmosphere and were banned from using bad language at home, so they're a bit weird, but can be helped. According to the words Lily was using at the moment, I was positive she was from the second group.

And secondly, that Evans was an embodiment of denial at the moment. She wouldn't have shouted at anyone else that much for such triviality – it was something about breaking the rules and loosing house points. And her burning cheeks were another proof. Contrary to my expectation, Lily had a thing for arrogant jerks, too. I suppose it had something to do with the first observation – if the oh-so-nice mask was just that, a mask, then my motherly-type assumption was obviously not valid. The mask just ensured that she couldn't face the prospect of dating a jerk for a while. I knew there was some deeper problem between Lily and the boys from the start...now I saw what it was.

I went to sit next to Remus to ask him what was this all about. He smiled, apparently very amused, and told me that it was a miracle I hadn't witnessed one of their rows before, and that they were one of the favourite Gryffindor past times. I watched for another while and then decided to shock him a bit. "Why don't they snog instead?" I asked.

"What? James would certainly like to, but as you can see, Lily is rather opposed to the idea. She hates his guts"

"No, she isn't. She's just in denial."

"Why do you think that?"

"I don't think that, I know it," I said confidently. "You can tell that from one look! Why would she hate him? She thinks he's an arrogant jerk, but so do I, and I don't shout at him in the middle of the common room. Were she indifferent, she wouldn't be so rude. And I very much doubt he could have ever done something so bad that she would hate him, not even such a jerk as Potter is. Not to mention that she's probably not able to hate somebody at all – she's just too nice for it."

Remus grimaced, apparently hearing irony in my voice. He disapproved, I knew, but he let it pass. "I won't pretend I am a connoisseur of human psychology. I'll take your work for it. " I smiled. "You'd better. Time will show I was right."

I was walking back to school one warm afternoon after spending a free period outside, enjoying rare nice weather, having a strange feeling that in this country, I might very well not meet another beautiful day in half a year. I was aprroaching a yard I meant to cross to ge to my Defense class, when I heard the noises. Apparently, there was some kind of commotion there.

I didn't know if I should believe my eyes, because despite everything bad I had thought about Potter and Black, I would have never expected this. Severus Snape was laying on the ground, flat on hic back, and James Potter had his foot on Severus' chest. Sirius was behind his best mate, and I could see the wand behind his back, with which he kept Severus bound to the ground. But the noises I've heard weren't from the two of them. They were talking, but not that loudly. The noise was being made by the crowd which gathered around, laughing. I felt physically sick.

The moment I entered the yard, Potter, his back to me, was saying: „You're thrashing about like a fish out of water, Snivellus. Just lay calm, you aren't afraid of us, are you?"

My blood boiled. I had to use all of my restraint to force myself to walk slowly and quietly towards Black. Nobody seemed to notice me, they were too captured by the performance. I had the element of surprise on my side, so I managed to get a wand out of Potter's robes without him noticing and then get Sirius' wand, both by a very silent disarming spell – I wasn't quite that good at the wordless magic just yet, and I couldn't afford any failure now – and then I Stupefied Potter, thus freeing Severus. Sirius immediately launched at me, intending to assault me the Muggle way, but Severus, still partly on the ground, caught his ankle and Black stumbled, giving me the necessary time to dodge him and smash him to the wall, the wand forgotten. Magic with wand was stronger, but there were some things you couldn't do with it. The Others' magic was exactly what I needed at the moment. He was pushed to the wall by the pure force of the Twilight.

"So we're little bullies, aren't we?" I asked, seeing red. "Maybe you should get a taste of your own medicine." I turned around. "Severus, would you mind?"

"Not at all," he replied, and I used the Twilight to force Sirius to the ground. He could have easily defied me, if he had the wand. But then, I would never be so stupid to use The Others' magic on him when he had a wand. Severus, enjoying his moment, straightened his shoulders and stood up, one foot on Potter's back, the other on Black' chest.

"The statue of liberty," I commented.

The crowd, which was watching silent, started to murmur and dissolve. I turned around to see fuming McGonnagal. "Miss Schwartz! Come with me. And you too, Mr. Snape."

I saw Sirius throw me a triumphant look. "Do you think I mind, Black?" I called to him while following McGonnagal. "I don't give a damn. I would gladly get myself expelled it meant I would stop bullies like you."

It was true, I wasn't being noble or something. Things like this made me sick to my stomach. My last glimpse of Black and Potter was as they were laying on the ground, looking extremely sour.

By the time we arrived to the office, McGonnagal seemed to calm down. "What did you mean by your last comment, Miss Schwartz?" She asked.

I shifted my eyes to Severus for a second. I had no scruples concerning telling on the two idiots, but I was sure Severus wouldn't appreciate me saying what was his role in this.

"Well," I said slowly. "The two of them were bullying someone," I said, emphasizing the word, "really bad and me and Severus, well, we decided to give them a taste of their own medicine.

McGonnagal was silent for a long while, and then she nodded, her lips such a thin line they were almost invisible. "You may go," she said curtly. And we did. "Thanks," Severus murmured once we were out of the door.

"It was my pleasure," I replied. We parted without another word. 

That Defense class, when I finally got there, was truly interesting. Causens seemed to be in a rather ironic mood, and as usual, he was using his wit on me. We were practicing non-verbal Defence in that class – shield charms and disarming spells and the like. I was paired up with Remus, who was trying his Expelliarmus on me, and I was supposed to be shielding him. But since I knew he had troubles with this particular part of curriculum, I hadn't bothered with the shield charm, and instead, I was occupying my time by trying to disarm Severus at the other side o the room. That was when Causens came by. Instead of commenting on Remus' unsuccessful attempts, he turned to me: "Now, Miss Schwarz, you surely are my favorite student, but that doesn't mean you can do nothing in class." He smirked, looking at me challengingly. Bastard. He knew very well what I was doing and why I was doing it, he read the first part in my mind and figured out the second easily. But he also knew that to oppose him, I'd have to say aloud that there was no point in holding up a shield charm against Remus, and that I wouldn't do that. I fought the urge to stick out my tongue at him. He continued: "But perhaps you aren't fit for dueling...You should buy a one size bigger uniform, Miss Schwarz, you'd be more nimble then." And here the smirk goes again, but this time, I had an intensive feeling that he was staring at my boobs. I suppose he appreciated my little uniform adjustments, after all. He ended the talk, and with it, the rather unsuccessful class – most people were incapable to manage either of the tasks - by saying: "One day, I shall go mad and I shall kill all the students in the school for their ineptitude...but I shall spare you, Miss Schwarz, it would be a real loss to have you dead." I'd almost swear I saw a wing after that one. I've said the class was rather unsuccessful, but for me personally, there were upsides enough.


	5. Quidditch Match

Warning: Some rather M bits in here.

The day after my confrontation with the boys, they cornered me in a corridor when I was heading to my Transfiguaration class.

I saw them approaching with their hands in their robes, obviously on their wands. Peter was with them, too, but I knew I didn't need to worry about this one.

"So you've gone ratting us out to McGonnagal, haven't you?" Sirius asked.

I deliberately retreated to the wall. "Yeah, I have."

"That wasn't very Gryffindorish of you," James remarked.

"I don't see why not," I replied. "You as sure as hell deserved punishing for what you did. I see nothing wrong with telling McGonnagal.

"Has nobody told you peaching is wrong?" Sirius asked again.

"It's wrong only when it concerns minor offences or when you're doing it to save your own ass," I argued.

"Which you did," James said confidently.

"Not really. I just wanted McGonnagal to know. I didn't expect her to let me go, I thought she'd tell me I should have gone to her instead of taking the justice in my own hands. But I suppose she was just so pissed off she didn't think straight."

"She was, we got a month of detention and lost a hundred points," James admitted.

"And you're going to pay for that. McGonnagal is not here now, you see," Sirius added.

I smiled a bit. Of course, I couldn't use the Twilight magic on them, since they had their wands now, but I was by no means defenceless. When I saw their lips twitch - they were no non-verbal masters yet, either - I dodged, stunned Potter and kicked Black right in the balls. Maybe I was a bit sadistic. I wanted him to feel pain. I turned to Peter, but he'd dropped his wand, hands up in the air, and was staring at me wide-eyed. I just rolled my eyes. I tied all three of them up and I turned to Sirius: "You'll stay here till someone finds you, and I wouldn't recommend trying to peach _me_, as I have my memory to defend myself, and you made it rather obvious you were not around for a friendly chat. And Black, never try this again. I might not be that nice the next time."

They probably stayed in that corridor for a long time, since they never tried anything again. Remus didn't find out about the incident, as the boys knew he wouldn't approve. And as far as Severus was concerned...we now nodded to each other whenever we met, that was all. But I've never come across the boys bullying him that bad again. Of course, that just might mean they were better hidden. But somehow, I don't think so. From their point of view, the it was all about the audience. Without it, it lacked the glory.

Days were getting colder and colder and soon, Halloween came, and with it a magnificent feast. Remus explained to me that it was traditionally wonderful and that I had something to look forward to. That was true: I had never seen such a feast in my life. But as pleasant as that was, it was not enough to distract me from the problem called Anthony Cousens. I was getting slightly obsessive about him, and I was beginning to believe that the only way how to get rid of it was to just go and shag him. From what I knew about him – which, admittedly, wasn't much – I didn't think attempting any sort of relationship would be a good idea. But I could certainly use a bit of sexual stimulation, and he seemed to be the perfect object. As I stared at the carved pumpkins unseeingly, I wondered whether it wasn't time for me to finally grow up and start something more serious than an occasional shag-buddies relationship or, at best, a couple of months lasting fling, very passionate, but usually – nay, always – also very far from anything that had even the smallest potentiality of lasting. I did want a real partnership. I always admired what my parents had, and wanted that for myself, too. But how the hell was I supposed to find something like that in a school full of naive idiots? Come to think of it, there weren't that many options as far as the other kind of affairs went either. I supposed I'd just have to take what was on offer now, get through the remaining two years of my education somehow, and then...I was sure there'd be someone in the Order who'd catch my eye upon closer inspection. I stabbed my ford determinedly in my Halloween meal. For now, Causens was on the agenda.

When the day of the first Gryffindor Quidditch match came, I was left alone in the house tower. Literally everyone was on the pitch. Remus tried to persuade me to go too, which was very naive of him, seeing that I had no interest at all in any sport. I heard Sirius muttering something like "I told you, Remus, an arrogant cow she is," but I couldn't care less. On the other hand, I knew that Cousens shared this opinion with me, and so I made my way to his cabinet, making up some excuse on the way, knowing that he would be there, and thanks to the Quidditch, that he would be alone. Indeed he was, and he invited me in. How I despised the school uniform in times like this! I told him I was there to discuss some advanced aspects of the Defense. Fortunately, this was a believable lie. Thanks to my Czech past, I was a very talented student. I mean, yes, I had spent all summer studying, but just because I hadn't known the spells. I had no problem performing them. When you force someone to do magic without wand and than you give it to them...let's just say it's a very big flaw in The Others' system.

Anyway, I was sitting right there in Causens' cabinet, his favorite student, chances as high as they could be.

"So, what do you want to practice, Belinda?" He asked, smirking.

"It depends, Professor, what are you in mood for?"

"Well...we could do some dueling, couldn't we? If you want to move your body a bit..."

"I'd like that...as long as you moved yours as well," I said with my intentions clearly written all over my face.

"Are you trying to say that I should start the action?"

"Oh yes, I am here and it's all up to you now."

"Your presence is disturbing, I couldn't concentrate on dueling."

"Couldn't you? And what do you concentrate on?" I licked my lips, realizing too late what I was doing and hoping it wasn't over the top.

"You, at the moment..." He replied, assuring me that it wasn't. We were shifting closer and closer together.

"Isn't that against some school rules?" I almost whispered.

"What McGonnagalll doesn't know won't hurt her." He was staring fixedly at my lips.

"Ignorance, indeed, is sometimes a bliss." It was starting to look good.

"Why, because she would be shocked by charms you are using in this duel?"

"It's more like fencing - a battle of swords," I said, with the 's' very quiet, "than a battle of charms, isn't it?" I asked, crossing my legs and twisting my robes in the process, so that my ankles and part of my calf appeared to his view.

"I'd say it's both," he clarified, his voice seemingly dripping lower as he leaned in slightly.

"Well...do show me some of your specialties, then," I said and leaned forward too.

And then Causens blinked, pulled back, shook his head and seemed to be waking up from some kind of dream. He grinned, very unconvincingly, I might add, and said in a strained, falsely cheerful voice: "It'd really love to, but I have to get back to work right now. I was nice talking to you."

I stared at him. It was my turn to blink. And then realization dawned on me. I looked at him coldly, contemptuously. I saw clearly enough that he was interested. I'd known it before, but now he just confirmed it. The thing was that he was a coward. The person who was supposed to teach me defense against the darkest things out there was scared shitless because of a single female student. I was radiating disdain as I got up, letting my robes fall back over my ankles, and my head held high, I headed towards the door. He went to his desk, turning his back to me, and leaned against it, supported by his hands, staring down. When I had my hand on the handle, he called me: "Belinda!"

"Yes?" I turned around.

He looked at me. "I have my position to worry about. You have to understand."

"Oh yes," I said scornfully, "because I would obviously go and tell everybody in the castle all about it. Naturally."

I turned to leave again, but again he called: "Wait." He crossed the distance between us in a few steps and, standing very close to me and looking straight into my eyes, he asked: "What do you want?"

I never looked away. I let the tension build for a moment, and then I said: "I want you to fuck me."

That was too much for him, just as I'd thought it would be. He kissed me with the intensity I expected from him, and for which I'd been doing all this. Once decided, he didn't waste any time. I could soon feel his hands on my breasts – I knew it was a good idea not to put a bra on that day – and so I busied myself with his robes. Reaching under them, I felt for his boxer shorts, only to discover I wasn't the only one who opted for less than the usual amount of underwear that day. Distracted for a moment by the idea of some draught in the Hogwarts corridors causing a scandal among the students, I was brought back to the moment by his attentions shifting to the lower half of my body, too. I moaned. He grabbed his wand, charmed the door soundproof, and directed his wand to me, obviously preparing for a contraceptive spell. I smacked it away. I might had had little expectations of my life at Hogwarts, but not even I was pessimistic enough to stop performing my monthly contraceptive charm.

I concentrated on the part of his body which was crucial at the moment and which, by now, seemed to be rather impatient, just as the Professor himself. And just as me, for that matter. "Come on," I urged, raising one of my legs to wrap it around his waist. He didn't take long to convince, and as he entered me, I cried out. Merlin, how I needed that...I hadn't had sex for more than four months, and it had been slowly getting to me. I was coming apart in his arms, quickly building my way towards a climax, until he came and stopped moving.

He slid out of me immediately, breathing hard, and looked away.

I was disbelieving. I would have expected _him_ to know how to deal with such a situation. Let alone the fact that he was obviously not planning to devote any more attention to me. I felt like waving my hand in front of his eyes. I could easily forgive him coming before me, since I supposed he hadn't had sex for a while too – Hogwarts wasn't really the best place to hook up if you were a teacher – but to leave me hanging? Not that I couldn't take care of that myself, but one sort of expect one's sexual partner to do it...it's considered polite.

I decided I wasn't going to take this, and I took his hand and pressed it to my lower parts. Nothing. Feeling rather like an idiot, I have it a small push. He realized what I was doing and took the initiative. "Sorry," he muttered. He wasn't as good with fingers as he was with his more substantial organ, but I came soon enough anyway. After regaining my senses, I realized he was looking away again. Unbelieveable. What was he, five?

I waited for a moment till I calm down a bit, then I disentangled myself, adjusted my robes, and looked at him patiently. He was blocking the door.

"Professor?" I said. He was startled. "Yes?"

"I'd like to leave, if you'd allow me."

"Of course. Sorry," he apologized again.

Half out of the door already, I couldn't help to ask.: "Oh, and Professor?"

"Yes?" He seemed to be so nervous...he obviously didn't know how to deal with this.

"Am I to take this as a one-time occurrence," I ask calmly, "or are other meetings of similar kind in order?"

"I'll...let you know," he said, clearly distracted, and so I took mercy on him and left him. I rather hoped he'd opt for a continuous affair, since he was the only shageable male in the whole bloody castle.

When I came back to the Gryffindor Common Room, everybody was back from the pitch already, and considering the party, we had probably won. I took a glass of butterbeer as I passed the table with them, when I heard a very unpleasant voice. "You don't care about Quidditch, do you? So why celebrate now?" James Potter, of course. Who else.

"I am quite happy we won, James. I just don't fancy watching Quidditch," I said in a rather friendly tone. I was in a good mood, after all.

"Oh no, you don't care the least," Sirius joined him. "You just want butterbeer."

I sighed, exasperated. "Do I? That's good, then, that you know so well what I want and what I think, better than me, actually. But do you really believe that it's all about one single glass of butterbeer? Well..." I splashed the content of my glass right in his face. "...it's not."

I walked to my dormitory, rather amused by the fact that everybody probably thought how furious I was. But I wasn't, really. I was merely bothered, didn't feel like arguing, and I just wanted Black to know that he should leave me alone.

I was wondering what the next Defense class would be like. Causens never looked me in the eye – not once – but when the class ended, he asked me to accompany him to his office. I supposed that was a good sign, although of course, he could always be wanting just to 'talk over what happened'. I hoped it wasn't that. I hated these talks.

As soon as the office door closed after us, he kissed me with the same intensity as last time. Good. I responded rather enthusiastically, and he, embracing me, maneuvered me to his desk, on which he sat me, locking the door by a wave of his wand, and sound-proofing it again. "As horny as ever, are you?" He asked, pulling my robes up.

"Always, for you," I replied, never missing a beat. I loved dirty talk.

"Oh yes, I can see you being all wet for me already..."

This time, he made me come first before entering me and ensuring another orgasm with the advantages of his size and skill. This was getting better and better.

After that afternoon, we reached an understanding. When I felt like having sex, I simply turned up at his office. Sometimes he told me he wasn't in the mood, but not very often. When he felt like it, he let me know in the class or in the Great hall somehow – always asking for my presence in his office would have been rather obvious, so we settled for some other means of communicating it. It wasn't really necessary to have a code or anything – it was pretty clear what he wanted when he approached me. But I usually came on my own, he didn't really have to ask very often – normally only after he said no to my visit, since I didn't want to be a bother. It seemed I wouldn't turn into a nun while at Hogwarts after all.

The Christmas was approaching at a rapid speed and I had found out that I wouldn't be able to spend them with my parents. They had their Order mission, and there was really no point in going to Headquarters without Mum and Dad there. So I was to say to my schoolmates – as if anyone except Remus would ask – that my parents wouldn't be able to pick me up at Kings Cross station and that I, naturally, couldn't Apparate, so I had no way how to get home and I was staying at school for Christmas.

I heard Remus arguing with his friends a lot those days, and I wondered what it was that made them so upset. I just hoped it wasn't about me – I didn't want him to have to choose. Especially not at that time, since, once again, he was ill – it seemed to be some persistent virus, for this was the third time he was ill that year. If he was a woman, I would have said that he had a difficult period, but as it was, it seemed unlikely. He still refused to go to the Hospital Wing, and I didn't feel like arguing. The important thing was that he told me he would be staying for the holidays, which was really great news. I was actually looking forward to it. And seeing that Causens was staying too...it was bound to be a very nice Christmas.


End file.
